A Season of Reflection

I have spent the majority of past few months in reflection. I have attended small groups, EUIP programs, Sunday service, two retreats and a Lenten series within the past two months. 

The result has been this:

 I am committed to learning, growing, exploring

I didn't have to do a year of service. In fact, many people wonder why I did. I chose to commit myself to a year of living in intentional community, to working towards social justice by giving my time and talents to a non-profit for 40+hours a week and getting paid for a month about the same as I made one night at the bar. I am doing this because I am looking to live a more meaningful life, I want to work towards social justice, and doing a year of service is the best way I could think of to begin that journey.

I am opening myself up to vulnerability

I have learned that being vulnerable isn't always bad. Opening myself up to vulnerability means that I can foster meaningful relationships, and live as my authentic self. It means that I can feel happy, sad, mad, hurt, lonely, disappointed, joyful, and at peace without shame or regret. Opening myself up to vulnerability has allowed me to take an honest inventory of what is important to me, of the type of person that I want to be, of the hurt I have caused and the forgiveness I need to give, of the privilege I've lived with and the part I play in that. Being vulnerable can hurt, but so much growth is possible through it.

I am trusting where the spirit is moving me

This past year I've taken big leaps of faith. I made the very painful decision to end a relationship that I knew was no longer right for me, that I could not commit my full self to. I decided not to apply for graduate school, and not to move to New York after graduation, like I was supposed to. I chose to regain control over my life and commit to living it in a way that was authentic and true to who I am and who I want to be. Even though some may have thought it was too soon, I began dating Joe because there was something there that felt right and I couldn't ignore that feeling, I chose to allow myself to be happy and I'm so glad I did--I've found the man that I know I will marry. I made the decision to apply to the Episcopal Urban Intern Program in Los Angeles to do a year of service instead of getting a full-time job in my hometown. I accepted that position and moved across country to live in intentional community and spend a year working towards social justice in the company of other devoted young people. I choose to listen to God, to the spirit moving in and around me and trusting that when I follow, it will guide me. I am taking risks and living in a meaningful way because I am tired of playing it safe. I am ready to listen to who God is calling me to be, I am trusting where the spirit is moving me.

I am experiencing God's grace every single day

"God's grace is not defined as God being forgiving to us even though we sin. Grace is when God is a source of wholeness, which makes up for my failings. My failings hurt me and others and even the planet, and God's grace to me is that my brokenness is not the final word...It's God saying, 'I love the world too much to let your sin define you and be the final word. I am a God who makes all things new". --Nadia Bolz-Weber

You make beautiful things out of the dust, You make beautiful things out of us.

 

This time of reflection, prayer, vulnerability, community, growth is just what I needed in this season of Lent. May we all take time to reflect and remember who we are, and who we were created to be.

Below are some peeks into how I've spent my time in reflection the last couple of months

A Work In Progress--the faith community I am in on Thursday nights.

A Work In Progress--the faith community I am in on Thursday nights.

A Work In Progress--the faith community I am in on Thursday nights.

FTE West Coast Discernment Retreat, Lake Arrowhead California--February 2015

FTE West Coast Discernment Retreat, Lake Arrowhead California--February 2015

FTE West Coast Discernment Retreat, Lake Arrowhead California--February 2015

EUIP Winter/Spring Retreat at Camp Stevens, near San Diego CA

EUIP Winter/Spring Retreat at Camp Stevens, near San Diego CA

Versed--the Lenten series for young adults in the Episcopal Diocese of Los Angeles

Adventures at Joshua Tree National Park

To celebrate a long Valentine's Day weekend, Joe and I took a short trip out to Joshua Tree National Park! It was a beautiful weekend filled with sunshine and warm days in the high 70s. We started out very early Saturday morning and enjoyed a scenic drive from the mountains out towards the Mojave Desert. 

We decided to take a chance and bring our camping gear, almost all of the campsites in the park are first come, first serve. We drove through nearly all the campsites and had no luck, needless to say our first hour or so in the park was spent driving around looking for a spot with building frustration and desperation. Eventually Joe reached his limit and as a last ditch effort he asked a nice older couple if we could give them $20 for a $10/night site and camp on their site, as they were in a trailer and they had a large group site. Much to our surprise, they smiled and invited us over, saying that others had asked and didn't even offer to offset the cost--that he was more than happy to accommodate us at no cost since we were so respectful and sincere! So we ended up having quite a nice time with this couple, shared conversation over dinner, had a campfire, looked at the stars. It was one of those moments that reminded me that there are good people out there, it was heartwarming. 

We probably did about 7 miles of hiking total, and saw an incredible landscape. It was a beautiful weekend getaway and definitely a visit to remember!

With the Jumbo Rock sign, pointing towards our campsite!

A beautiful picture of Jumbo Rocks, where our campsite was at! (Clearly not taken by me!).

Our tent set up at Jumbo Rocks!

Ready for our first hike of the trip at Ryan Mountain!

Joe on the trail at Ryan Mountain

We made it to the top!

As a tradition, we set up our alters at the top!

It was a long way up, but the hike brought some beautiful views!

After a long day, we settled in at Keys Point to catch the sunset.

The next morning we went to the Cholla Gardens and saw some funky cacti! 

Driving to our next hike we saw some pretty awesome Joshua Trees!

For our last hike we trekked Fortynine Palms Oasis

Halfway through the hike we got a view of our destination--right in the middle you can see the tops of the 

Palms down in the valley ahead of us. An oasis in the desert! 

And what an Oasis it was! The palms provided a perfect place to get some shade and rest, have a snack, and enjoy some relaxation before the uphill hike back! There were huge boulders to climb and rest on, and below was a little swamp area with frogs and bugs of all kinds!

Another beautiful shot of Joshua Tree National Park (I wish I could say I took it!)

Overall, it was a trip to remember!

When it doesn't feel like Advent...

Advent is easily one of my favorite times of the year. A time of peace, reflection, joy, preparation. It is during advent that we are called to pause, to listen, to wait. Advent is the season to prepare our hearts and lives for Christ. I typically recall the season of Advent as a time filled with warmth, hope, and something that I couldn't quite put my finger on...something that simply felt magical.

The start of Advent this year felt so different than what I have experienced in the past. I no longer have the comfort of my home parish to join in prayer in anticipation of Christ's birth, there is no advent wreath on my dining room table, no special prayer said each night as my family gathered for a meal together.

My Advent began with the close of Thanksgiving weekend, which was spent in Irvine. It surely didn't feel like a new season when I spent Thanksgiving day at Huntington Beach, and cooked dinner with my vegetarian boyfriend. It was not my typical Thanksgiving, no large family gathering, no classic movies on television, no turkey to cook and carve. Looking back, I'm not sure I even prayed over our meal. It felt different because things are different, and I was thankful for all of the changes in my life, and for a beautiful Thanksgiving weekend. I had sunshine and ocean waves, a smile on my face, a loving boyfriend to cook with, a roof over my head, love in my heart, and a nice bottle of wine :) (I'll post pictures on another day)

After our little weekend getaway to Irvine and Laguna Beach, we went to church for the first Sunday of Advent. But it didn't feel like Advent...

On Mondays, all the girls in my house gather for community night. We'll eat dinner together, have conversation, and participate in a spiritual practice. On the first Monday of Advent, we reflected on that Sunday's Gospel. We talked about what Advent meant to us, the concept of waiting for Christ. The conversation turned more toward the idea that making room in our hearts for Christ--inviting the peace, joy, justice and love that is Christ's promise--is something that should take place all year round. Maybe Advent is our time to refocus on what God's presence in our lives really mean, and what our presence in His world really means. What if we used it as a time to practice inviting God into our lives, so that when the snow melts and the presents are unwrapped and we take down our Christmas trees and return to work, when the mystery and the magic of the season has faded, when hope has faded, we already know how to ask God to be present with us. 

And I'm still struggling, because it doesn't feel like Advent...

I have been opening my heart, making myself vulnerable--and instead of feeling the peace of Advent, I feel hurt. It makes me want to shut off and curl up in bed and close off my heart because it hurts too much to see what I see during a time that is supposed to be peaceful and joyful, a time that is meant to be used as preparation for Christ--the one who worked for love and peace and justice. 

Instead, there have been riots and protests. There has been hurt and anger, a blind eye turned on injustices that stem from hundreds of years of systematic racism. I choose to be aware of these things because they matter, because I want to be an ally, I want to engage in conversations and actions that work for change and justice. I'm tired of reading posts on social media from privileged white peers, that never left the comfort of their suburban Ohio homes to broaden their minds and expand their experiences with culture, posts that completely disregard and refuse to acknowledge a people's history. 

I see homelessness, unemployment, and despair in front of me every day. I turn on the news and feel a flame inside me because I am so tired of seeing brothers and sisters dignity and experiences be minimized by the media.

I read today on Epsicopal Cafe some deep thoughts about the state of our nations, allow me to share an excerpt or two:

"A nation founded on openness, trust in the people, and values worthy of great religions saw its leaders turn to secrecy, disregard for humanity, and sordid standards worthy of history's monsters. We have sought to be a leader of nations. Now we have nothing to say"

Our current approach to righting wrongs (or lack of approach) isn't solving the problem we have "truly soul-wise". 

It's naive to think that a nation that began with claiming a people's land, and enslaving other human beings for our personal benefit could overcome it so quickly. Instead of slapping a band-aid on it, the first step should be true acknowledgement and repentance, followed by making the conscious decision to educate yourself and others, to become allies and work for justice so that true true healing can begin.

My heart has never felt so restless during an Advent season. I wish I could ignore the things that tear me apart inside, but instead I'm choosing not to. Instead, I ask God to open my heart more each day to the needs of my brothers and sisters. I am trusting that God will use my heart to make change. Instead of closing off and shutting down, I am preparing my heart this Advent for what Christ brings and I pray that God's peace will surround all those that hurt. I pray that those who are blind to the injustice, the prejudice, the privilege, I pray that they may be awake. 

When it doesn't feel like Advent, I put my trust in the mystery and the magic that is beyond me, within me, surrounds me.

Last Sunday when we lit the second Advent candle, we read this,

"Last Sunday we lit the first candle--the candle of hope. Today we light the second candle, the candle of peace. We light it knowing full well that peace is elusive, and in some parts of the world, it is almost completely absent. Yet in this season of Advent, we trust that God is never absent from us. God is always preparing something new. And even where there is war and discord, whether between countries, within families, or within our own hearts, God is present, gently leading us to new possibilities"

This advent I pray for newness, wholeness, and peace in my heart and in the world. 

Up on a Mountain

"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings.Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop away from you like the leaves of Autumn"
 --John Muir

I am lucky enough to have my wonderful boyfriend Joe live just about two hours away from me. Some would say that's still far, but it's much better than being states away! One of the best parts is that we each live somewhere distinctly different. I live in the city, thirty minutes from the beach and Joe lives in the mountains where seasons visit.

Together, we are lucky enough to experience all of it throughout the month when we visit.

This past weekend, I visited Joe at Lake Arrowhead as I often do, but this weekend was simply spectacular.

Friday night consisted of cooking a veggie medley for dinner, filled with mushrooms, squash, zucchini, asparagus and rice (delicious!) topped off with a nice glass of wine, and promptly followed by falling asleep early at 9:30. Quite the Friday night, right? ;)

One of the many things I love about Joe is that he gets out of bed before me, and always has breakfast ready to go! He is thoughtful and kind, and again, I am lucky! Saturday began with toast, mango and Pitch Perfect. After getting up and around we went for a brief walk at the Pinecrest camp, and then took a beautiful walk around Lake Gregory. 

 

A beautiful walk filled with conversation, laughter and sincere thought. It was a lovely afternoon, followed by a fun night with pizza, Planet Earth, and cosmic bowling!

Just when I thought my weekend getaway in the mountains couldn't get any better, it absolutely did.

Sunday morning breakfast topped off with mimosas was fantastic, but nothing will beat our afternoon outing. Joe and I went hiking at The Pinnacles, a beautiful and challenging hike further up into the mountains.

We hiked about 5 miles out and 5 back, hiking about 1,500 feet of elevation gained, finishing at about 7,500ft above sea level. It was tiring but beautiful and rewarding. It felt exhilarating to climb the rocks and get as high as we could--which we did! We climbed and wiggled our way to the highest peak and what we found was stunning.

Continuing a tradition passed along from my mother, and one that many practice, one of the first things Joe and I did was build our altar. 

"Altars symbolize a desire to manifest spiritual connection in our every day life, to bring the sacred into every thought, feeling and action"

We spent a good hour or so at the peak of this mountain, exploring, talking, laughing, kissing, smiling, and standing in awe.

"Most of the time, all you have is the moment, and the imperfect love of the people around you"

--Anne Lamott

When we had our fill, we began our descent. The way back is always easier. So we climbed, scooted, and jogged our way back down the mountain, laughing, panting, and chatting all the way. It was cold and windy, but we didn't mind, we had smiles plastered on our faces. 

This day we saw a new side of each other, childlike joy and playfulness. The beauty of every day discoveries in the one you love.

This day will stand out in my mind forever, because up on a mountain, I looked over at Joe and I knew. 

We both have so much going on in each of our programs, which is amazing. I'm thankful that we've each committed to year long work and programs that resonate with us and our values. There's still many months to go until our programs come to an end, but I cannot deny the peace within me that has come with the knowledge that wherever the next adventure takes us, we'll be going on it together...

God,

I am in awe of the beauty that surrounds me, 

the creation that you have made.

You set all things in motion,

and yet you still have time for me.

Thank you.

Thank you for the challenges you send my way.

Thank you for the joy that fills my heart.

Thank you for your patience and love.

Thank you for the beauty in my life,

thank you for the things that aren't as pretty,

the things that humble me.

Thank you for all the important relationships I have in my life.

Thank you specifically for Joe, and the happiness that we share.

Spirit, Help me to be open to learning.

Help me be patient and thoughtful.

Please grant Joe and I strength and courage

to love each other and love you. 

Help us be open to experiencing you.

Help us to discover the ways we can support and love each other.

Help guide us, 

help us live in a way that reflects our values, 

help us live in a way that is authentic and meaningful.

Thank you for your love, thank you for our love.

Amen.