While getting up and around this morning, I was watching a morning talk show on TV. This morning, one of the featured guests was a woman who has been battling cervical cancer for quite some time. Today, it just struck a chord with me. It really clicked, how lucky I was that I had turned out to be cancer free.
I'll share my story from the beginning, because many people still don't know what I went through this spring. While visiting Caldwell in New York during my spring break in February, I didn't feel like myself. I had (seemingly) been gaining weight steadily, and it was noticeable to the point that people were speculating if I was in early pregnancy(!), which was definitely not the case.
I didn't want to be a Debby-downer during my trip, so I was trying to be as upbeat as possible, but I wasn't feeling great, I just wasn't feeling like myself. Because Caldwell works during the day, I would go out on my own and walk around town, and what I was really noticing was that I had a hard time breathing. Kind of like when you walk up five flights of stairs are feel out of breath, that's how I felt just walking around.
At first, I thought 'Well, I guess I've gained some weight, and so I must be out of shape, I better work out!'. (In hindsight, probably not the best idea...) I did try to exercise, but all I could muster was doing 15 minutes or so on the bike, and doing a couple free weights.
The other red flag was that I couldn't hold much food. I was having a great time making extravagant dinners for Caldwell and I but then when we sat down to eat, I could only handle a couple bites and then I'd feel stuffed...I have never felt that way in my life!!!
During my trip, Caldwell and I went up to Montreal for his work. He worked, I shopped and on our last day we went up to the largest hill in the park that overlooked the city. It was cold and snowy, but I was so out of breath getting there that it took us twice as long as it should of. That's when I really began to think that something was wrong with me. Here's a picture of us that day.
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I've left it unedited, so that you can see tucked away under my scarf (which I strategically placed) is my bulging stomach, you can kind of see where my coat is pulling a little. I knew that there was no possible was that I was pregnant, but there was a little thought it my mind thinking 'Could I be? Am I going to turn out like those women on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant or something?'. But I just didn't think that could be. I just thought that I was out of shape.
When I returned home, my mom noticed that I had gotten bigger, but also noticed that I wasn't able to take in much food either. At school I was out of breath just walking from the parking lot to my class. I 'Googled' if adults could develop asthma! I had these strange things happening to my body, but none of them added up to anything that I could comprehend.
The best thing that I did in all of this was listening to my body. I knew that I wasn't feeling like myself, that something wasn't right, even if I didn't know what the problem was. I listened to my body and went to the doctor, and thank God I did that.
It was probably a week after getting back from New York that I went in to my doctor's and by that time, I looked like I was about 7 months through a pregnancy. They made me take a urine test as well as a blood test, even though I had been having regular periods, and I knew there was no way I could be pregnant! She felt my stomach and told me that she could feel something in there, and still wasn't convinced that I wasn't pregnant, but after negative test results, she ordered blood work and a cat scan to be done.
The worst part was that I discovered I have terrible veins--three nurses tried 8 times at the office to draw blood before sending my to have it done at the lab. This was a nightmare to me, as someone who cried the last time I got a shot, which was like 2 years ago haha.
At this point, I was so miserable. I didn't want to go to class because I was so uncomfortable, and I gladly accepted the fact that I had to miss some classes for doctors appointments.
My cat scan revealed a large mass in my pelvic area. This led to an appointment a week later with a gynecologist, who was just a formal stepping stone to seeing a specialist, as he had nothing new to share with me, and more blood work.
Finally, I was scheduled to see Dr. Heather Pulaski, a Gynecologic Oncologist at the Women's Cancer Center at Kettering Hospital. By this time I looked like I was 9 months pregnant, and I was so uncomfortable and miserable that I didn't do much more than lay on the couch and attend a class or two so that I didn't go over my number of allowed missed classes.
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| Me, feeling lousy. |
Dr. Pulaski shared that I had a tumor, about the size of a volleyball on my ovary. She determined that I would need to have surgery to remove it, which also meant that most likely my ovary would also need to be removed. My blood-work indicated that cancer might be present, but it was just a chance. There was no way of knowing if cancer was truly present until they were in there and could do a biopsy on the tumor after removing it. This meant that the surgery could go as we anticipated, removing the tumor and the ovary it was attached to, but it also meant that it could go another way, if needed. If they found more problems or cancer, I had to prepare for the fact that they would need to do a full hysterectomy, meaning they would take out all my lady parts.
For me, all I could think about was having kids, and going to school. This sounds kind of silly, but these are my biggest short term and long term goals. Right now, I want to finish school and down the road I want to have children, and this was effecting both. Already a year behind in school, I couldn't handle the idea that I might not be able to finish the semester, which could set me back another year in my program. I was about to lose it! I was trying to work out anything and everything with my professors that would allow me to finish the semester, but it was still dicey. And then I thought about having children, all I want to be is a mom and have wonderful kids with the man I love and I cried and cried at the thought that that may not be an option anymore.
I was scheduled for surgery a week later, but had to jump through some more hoops first. It turns out that the condition I had causes fluid to gather on your lungs (which caused my breathing troubles). The trouble was that they couldn't put me under if I wasn't breathing well enough on my own, which meant that I needed to have the fluid drained. This process was probably the worst part of the whole experience. The fluid was drained from my back and through my ribs, which was extremely painful, because I wasn't numbed enough. They could only remove a certain amount of fluid at a time, and I had a lot to give! It was determined that I needed to have this procedure done again before my surgery ( much to my dismay). Thankfully, I had a wonderful nurse named Shelly, who held my hand through it and was so sweet and motherly. In all, I had 4 liters of fluid on my lungs, and after 2 drainings, they still weren't able to remove it all.
I met with the Cancer Center's educator to help me understand what to expect before, during, and after my surgery. This was comforting to have the day before my surgery. She came to my room and helped my mom, grandma and godmother understand exactly what we were dealing with.
Looking back, I remember her explaining what it would mean if they found any cancer. She explained how long I would need to do chemo, radiation, all kinds of treatments. She explained what parts would need to be removed and why. I think in the moment, I was trying to be so positive, and headstrong that I didn't really take that all in. All I wanted was to have this thing out of me and to get back to my normal routine. I was so positive and sure that nothing would go wrong that I didn't even let my mind wander there.
My surgeon was so amazing, and so was the entire staff at Kettering Hospital! I never encountered a negative person, they were all smiles and friendly faces. They cared for me, and helped me and prayed with me. I could brag about them forever, they made my stay something to look back on positively.
After watching that show this morning, and having some time after my surgery, I realize how big of a deal this really was. I could have had cancer, and things could have been a lot worse. It still was serious, it's not everyday that a healthy 21 year old has a giant tumor and requires surgery to remove it. I was lucky that they only took one ovary, and left me with everything else.
I was lucky that I was young and recovered well. I stayed home for one full week and started to go back to classes slowly, and was able to finish the semester with good grades.
It took several weeks to feel like myself again, and finally my appetite came back. I've put some weight back on and look like myself again. But the biggest thing I'm thankful for is my health, and my family. They were so amazing and supportive. The stood by me through the entire experience and stayed positive and encouraging.
Most of all, I feel blessed that it was benign. I feel blessed that it could have easily been cancer and altered my life, but it wasn't. Now I understand how serious it really was, that it wasn't something to brush off as if it was nothing. It was real and scary and serious, and I was lucky.
What I hope that someone will take away from this is that as women, we know our bodies. That gut feeling you have that something isn't right, or feeling that something is off is important. That's our body's way of telling us "Hey, something's not right here!" Listen to your body, listen to your instincts. Especially young people, we think that we are above it all, that it could never happen to us. Well that's just not true, so be in tune with yourself and your surroundings!
I am blessed, and I thank my God every day. Amen for that!
